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9 Naija Harsh Realities That Hit Me

I was born and bred in Nigeria so if there’s anyone who feels the most at home in Nigeria, it’s me. However, I noticed, anytime I am away, whether for a short time or long time, there are a lot of changes and so much need for adjustments in little things. We are gearing up for the festive period. This is basically when people, home and abroad come for the Christmas razzmataz. So just before you start coming here and be forming ‘girl from Am-rika‘, here are the thriving realities of Naija. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a long ride.

  1. “The Buhari-Economy: If I had a dollar for everytime I heard this phrase, I’d be taking Oprah on a shopping spree. Honestly, I’ve heard this phrase so much that I’m now using it. Why?…..because the economy is really hard. I don’t know how people have been coping o! For those thinking your dollar has weight, come and buy stuff and see how much you can take home. The inflation is real. You don’t even know where the money’s going. Everytime I make a trip to the market, there’s this song that was always featured on TV in the 80s/90s, that keeps playing in my head. Talking about how cost of living is rising high and I keep wondering whether that man is alive to see Nigeria today. This Christmas, abeg migrate to beans. Na who rice epp?
  2. The extinction  of “Gbogbo Big girls’ taxi trips: I got into an interesting conversation with a cab man. He said he’s restrategizing his pick up system from ‘a-drop’ to ‘one-chance’ transport because people are getting wiser not to spend so much on ‘a-drop’. Just so you are wondering what that is. ‘A-drop’ is like your uber ride. It might not be as sophisticated in terms of protocol and policies but it pretty works for us here. ‘One chance’, is like car pooling but with total strangers. Now I Used to be an ‘a-drop’ addict. My contacts always had a lot of “Taxi John…Taxi George…” because then it was affordable but now, it is too expensive having a cab guy take you around specially. It’s best you have your car, fuel it, hit the road and pray no Road Safety Official use you for Christmas….cos somehow, they just want to find faults in your car or driving. Asides that, you are good. If you don’t have a car, you could use public transport on convenient routes and take special taxis on complex ones or if you are pressed for time. But if you are up for ‘a-drop’ everywhere you go, I feel that’s just a sad way to lose money in this buhari-Economy. Hahhh! I said it again.
  3. WiFi is not your sister, neither is she your cousin: Don’t come here whinning about internet. Just do the needful and pay for a robust internet package that would serve you the way or almost the way your WiFi serves you. So, factor “internet money” into your budget.
  4. You don’t greet, you burn!!: At least that’s how I have it interpreted in my head. My parents did this to me growing up, now they are doing it to my kids. Any one that passes by, even at some distance, my toddler is forced to say “Good morning”. If she just doesn’t feel like it, the next thing is “So you cannot greet?”.  No, she can greet but at the moment, this sleepy toddler doesn’t feel like it. Aaaand there goes the elders of the house blaming you for ‘spoiling’ your 2 year old. Greeting don turn Government work. So get ready for the constant judging on how you do things especially with kids.
  5. “All ye highlighters and contourers…”: I always see pictures on social media showing flawless makeup. Well, I’ve not seen any in person since I came. It’s either the Buhari- Economy(Hahh! I said it again) on make up prices or it’s the weather. Plus when rushing out and there is no power, the way you would perspire, even face primer can’t hold down that sweat. lol.
  6. Power Holding!: The last time I checked the founder of PHCN wasn’t your cousin so just factor in ‘fuel money for generator’ weh weh.  Enough said.
  7. Tis’ the season of gladness, rejoicing and conjuctivitis: Yes dear! Yours truly caught it. Why “apollo” chooses the Christmas period to go viral, I don’t know. A period where you’d be reuniting with families and looking fly, you start telling people how you caught a virus. Even worse, the burn of an electric ant a.k.a ”pah-pah” is on the rise. The virus that causes conjuctivitis  is in the air, and as much as I tried limiting contact with those who had it, it struck my daughter and then struck me. Ahhh, the discomfort and pain will never be forgotten. Matter of fact, the image of this post has a bit of my pink eye still showing.
  8. There is a way of doing things and there is a Naija way of doing things: How could I have forgotten that? I could be so prim and proper when it comes to procedures and protocols but Naija ain’t gat time for that. I was reminded so, when I followed medication procedures on my eye. Oh dear, I told people who asked what medication I was on but they all had their various medic suggestions which apparently was working but I wasn’t ready to take that risk. How can I also forget the self-medication mentality here by most people. I don laugh tire! “He is coughing like that? Give him worm medicine na” “There’s a way his eye is twitching, It’s malaria!” 😲What da’ F..anta! Infact, don’t judge these people suggesting this, it would shock you they have a fairly good explanation for their suggestion. Please always seek professional advice before taking medication.
  9. Weight loss Goals fading away: After anticipating and thinking about how you’d lose or At least maintain your current weight, the gods of the land don’t share same goals with you. My dear, did you just see that smoldering plate of Bole and fish?…Then that canary-yellow African salad never looked sooo good. How about that plate of Afang soup that has that dinstinct Efik taste? Far different from whatever that you were cooking abroad and calling ‘afang soup’. Still clinging to the weightloss goals? Are you stupid?😂😂😂

So now do you still want to come for ‘Krismos’? Please come oh! We need to hear you speak your best american with british accent and block our ears with “In the UK/US, we don’t….”. 😂😂So to those visiting, these cut it for me on trying to figure out ways to adjust. Different people, different challenges but I think these are pretty general issues.  Remember, be prudent and live below or within your means as you visit or relocate. This ain’t the time to ‘keep up with the Joneses’ and be buying asoebi of 60k, cos in this buhari – economy, even the ‘Joneses’ are broke. Besides, all fingers are not what?…..y’equal!

 

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30 Comments

  • Reply
    George Hoover
    November 22, 2016 at 12:58 pm

    I think this is your best post yet. Very well written and infused with your trademark humor.

    • Reply
      Bubu
      November 22, 2016 at 4:30 pm

      Awww. Thanks George. Keep reading.

  • Reply
    Amah
    November 22, 2016 at 2:56 pm

    Hahahahaha

    • Reply
      Bubu
      November 22, 2016 at 4:31 pm

      XO, baby

  • Reply
    Jujis
    November 22, 2016 at 3:24 pm

    You such an interesting writer .
    Your way with words is outta this world .
    Keep it up👍🏿

    • Reply
      Bubu
      November 22, 2016 at 4:32 pm

      Thank you Jujis. I truly appreciate it. Keep reading.

  • Reply
    Cheechee
    November 22, 2016 at 4:33 pm

    LOL!Matter of fact my whole family is recovering from apollo.Husband,babies,help,mother-in-law.I escaped by a whisker.hehe!!and I’ve been laughing at them.I’m mean I know and I pray it stays far away from me.I can’t loose my fine geh ontop pink eye!

    http://www.CheecheeLIVE.com

    • Reply
      Bubu
      November 22, 2016 at 9:28 pm

      Hahaha. My dear, I don’t even wish it on anyone. Glad you overcame the visitor. Hope they are okay now? Thanks for stopping by, darl.

  • Reply
    Caleb Okon
    November 22, 2016 at 5:42 pm

    Ah!!! Bubu…… You just hit every Nigerian with this one. Lovely post, keep up the good work!

    • Reply
      Bubu
      November 22, 2016 at 9:28 pm

      Thanks Caleb. I really appreciate it.

  • Reply
    Nnenna Dieke
    November 23, 2016 at 4:47 am

    , bubu you said it,but one which I really follow up is the greeting honestly I grew up a good morning greeting child from a young age , I find it a tad inappropriate for the kids not to say goodmorning, so I am that mum that says ,have you said goodmorning.Hi grandpa,grandma,aunty, uncles comes after the goods.and I do that by greeting the kids too.i say good morning Michelle,and all other if my kids. And boy is it working, even their teachers in school are always asking mum how do you do it ? Your kids are so courteous and polite, yes we Nigerian are like that, also them kids know not to let no one ruffle their feathers, the throw you down like yam porridge.i ain’t raising no Sissy. The fake life in Naija is hilarious.took the kids out and they are speaking supiri supiri , a lady beside us starts speaking phonetics to her kids, and the Son raised the pitch mommy why are you speaking like that,i just busted out laughing,meanwhile I was catching on all the latest Tori in town hehe

  • Reply
    Bubu
    November 23, 2016 at 6:51 am

    Hahahahah. Oh my God! This cracked me up.@ Mummy why are you speaking like that. My dear,about the greeting, we teach her by doing it to her and she says it back. Even with other courteous greetings like ‘thank you…have a nice day…welcome etc. But with my folks it seems more like a chore. First, they spend the morning with her , probably to also flaunt their grandchild to whomever cared to ask. Then they start the good morning spree. Which she is more than glad to do. She screams it loud,even proceeds to a conversation with the person but sometimes Toddlers will always be toddlers,sometimes they don’t just feel like it and pushing them at an inconvenient point,just starts war. Thanks for stopping by darling. Yayyyy! Keep visiting .XO

  • Reply
    Nnenna Dieke
    November 23, 2016 at 7:23 am

    You know this grand parents are hilarious too.am sure they will miss her like crazy after the vacation. I also think is absolutely fantastic to give them breathing space as they are used to the suffocation with relatives,etc up and down.good job mama.kids will be kids my friends daughter gave her mom the reverse at the airport standing beside a woman who wasn’t kids friendly and expressed her displeasure with kids playing and running around and she spoke in Igbo to her daughter,Adanne be mindful before you push this woman acting like a witch(in Igbo) Adannas response mom whose the witch that doesn’t love kids all we are doing is having fun( in English) the woman disappeared. I just love kids and their brutal honesty.

  • Reply
    Bubu
    November 23, 2016 at 9:55 am

    Hahaha. Oh that their blunt way can really take you unawares.

  • Reply
    Clement Saudu
    November 23, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    This is just epic.

  • Reply
    Bubu
    November 25, 2016 at 7:15 am

    Thanks Clem!

  • Reply
    Ngumabi
    November 25, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    I can relate to your point on greeting. It’s seen as a sign of no respect even in my country.
    Enjoyed reading your humour filled post dear
    Thanks for sharing

    • Reply
      Bubu
      November 25, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      Thanks Ngumabi. Glad you liked it. Keep visiting.

  • Reply
    Precious @ Precious Core
    November 25, 2016 at 6:10 pm

    ROTFL Highlighters and contourers where art though??
    Bubu, we are together on the weight loss goals.
    Don’t worry we shall overcome.
    Your sense of humour is out of this world!

    • Reply
      Bubu
      November 25, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      Presh, I pray we overcome oh. Temptation every where I turn. *doing the crucifix sign*

  • Reply
    Stephylately
    November 26, 2016 at 9:33 pm

    Hey Bubu I Love your pic. I might not be Naija but that highlight contour part just cracked me up. Interesting read hun.x

    http://www.stephylately.com

    • Reply
      Bubu
      November 27, 2016 at 4:56 am

      Thanks darling. That point is quite universal. Lol. Thanks for visiting dear.XO

  • Reply
    Brenda
    November 28, 2016 at 3:43 pm

    The taxi thing is one i can relate to very well. Few meters from my home there is a taxi park. Earlier this year while thinking of using one for a wedding engagement, the driver was almost kneeling down for me to accept so he could make some money that day.

    While on our (my sister & I) journey to the venue of the wedding, the driver started complaining how low patronages have been. And while he would make about 15-25k on good days, he hardly makes 6K these days. I felt for him.

    Truth is even the ”gbo gbo big girls” eyes don open o.. They would rather jump buses these days than spending 4k for a trip.

    brendascouch.com

    • Reply
      Bubu
      November 29, 2016 at 6:41 pm

      Honestly! You’ve said it all

  • Reply
    Nedoux
    November 29, 2016 at 3:23 pm

    Hi Bubu,

    I laughed so hard, Naija is the School of Hard Knocks.

    My work colleague has apollo right now, I have been avoiding him like the plague. Correct Afang soup aint got no time for weight loss goals. Lmao

    • Reply
      Bubu
      November 29, 2016 at 6:43 pm

      Lol… you can say that again!

  • Reply
    Uju Ayalogu
    December 10, 2016 at 8:35 pm

    Too funny. And too true.
    One of the major reasons I decided not to drive to work was because of cost and extra stress. And all those Instagram makeup posts are just for show. The couple of people I’ve seen wearing full makeup, well, let’s just say the sun acted as a natural make up remover for them. And it was not attractive. At all.

    Lovely post, nice blog.

    http://insearchofperfecthair.wordpress.com

    • Reply
      Bubu
      December 11, 2016 at 4:57 am

      hahaha@ the sun – a make up remover. Thanks Uju. Thanks for visiting.

  • Reply
    Esther
    December 11, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    Tis’ the season of gladness, rejoicing and conjuctivitis: This cracked me up real good Abubele…i’m sorry about the infection, i though your face looked a tard bit puffy in the picture, i see why now. Instead of sharing the cheer, na the virus they go round freely, some people have resorted to already applying eyedrops to prevent it… hand washing is actually the most effective, not sunglasses hehehe…the fact is that some people might be infecting others without having the pink eye themselves, that is what we call incubation period. The period between infection and clinical signs.

    • Reply
      Bubu
      December 11, 2016 at 8:59 pm

      Lol. My dear, I washed my hands till it could peel. I was so careful but it struck. You are darn right about the incubation period so no one is actually safe. Thank God it’s gone.

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