The Classic Nigerian Parent (C.N.P) don’t play. I ain’t talking about the diffused ajebota Parents. I’m talking about unadulterated Nigerian Parents. They say it as it is. They hit the nail on the head and probably your head. Lol. Here are some some classic scenes.
1. On scolding a Toddler
The Western Parent: “Andy, I’ve told you. Don’t touch that bin! You’d get dirt all over your hand…And what happens when you get dirt in your hand?…You get bacteria!…And what happens when you get bacteria?…You fall sick!…And what happens when you fall sick?…You’d be kept in the hospital away from Mom and Dad cos they won’t let us in. Do you want that?”
The Classic Nigerian Parent: “Junior! How many times have I told you? Don’t touch that bin, it’s bad!” *smacks his bum*
2.On spotting a Child’s inert potential
The W.P: “So Andy, what are you painting?…Awww, that’s beautiful. You want to be the next Picasso?!”
The C.N.P: “Ah, Segun, What are you painting? I hope you don’t want to be an artist . God forbid! Oya, Nike! Bring your medical books and be reading to this boy.”
3. On directing Child towards study choices
The W. P: “So Becky, what are your study choices for the University?”
Becky- “First choice, Music. Second choice, Performing arts.”
Parent-“Awww, that’s great. I know you already are a super star. We have to save to take you to Julliard! They are the best school for that.”
The C.N.P: “So Tonye, what are your study choices for the University?”
Tonye-“First choice, Music. Second choice, Performing arts”
Parent-“You are crazy! You’ve gone mad! My friend, Where is that form? Oya, put first choice, Medicine. Second choice, Law!...Nama shobiri!…You expect me to pay fees for Music?!”
4. On answering the dreaded “Where do babies come from?” Question
The W.P: *startled* “Oh sweety, I knew this day would come. Let’s watch this educative video together.”*She slots in a video tutorial of the reproductive system*
The C.N.P: “Babies come from my mouth! Idiot! Have you washed the plates I asked you? Stop ass-ing me stupid questions!”
5. On counselling issues of Puberty
The W.P: “You just saw your first period? Sweety, sit here let’s talk. Now you are getting developed like an adult. So it means, if you do ‘adult things’, you’d get adult results. For example, Sex! If you have sex with a boy or a man, there are consequences. You could get pregnant! We don’t want that now. Do we?”
The C.N.P: “Ah, you said you injured yourself?…Where? That’s your period na! Papa Tochi, come oh, your daughter is now a woman! Praissssse Thy Lord! *dances Atilogu* Now, sit let me tell you. If a boy touches you, You are pregnant! Don’t bring shame to us oh! Don’t bring shame to us!*pulling on her ears* A word is enough for the wise.”
6.On spotting a Tattoo on your teenager
The W.P: “You got a tattoo without my permission? I’m pretty disappointed. These things have consequences. Wait a minute! Are those my initials and face? Awwww, that’s so sweet.”
The C.N.P: “Funke, you got a tattoo?! Funke, you got a tattoo?!! Funke, you got a tattoo?!!! Funke, you got a tattoo?!!!!” …..You know the rest. LOL.
Shout out to the C.N.P. They are the real M.V.P! I love my Naija so much. No time! Did I leave some out? Say it in the comment section.
Happy Sunday y’all! How was church today?… You didn’t go to church?
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