Dear Nigerian Civil/Service Providers,….

And……that’s how Trump became president. Hahaha. I talk am! But “#Imwithher” clan no go let pesin hear word. It was quite a popcorn-and-coke presidential race. The drama and change of Government by die hard Clintonians after these result, have been amazing. Now almost everyone is pro-Trump. This race is undeniably the most famous presidential race worldwide. No, you don’t need to be an American or a resident of America to follow up on the news. Now everyone can rest. It was fun while it lasted.

Now back to earth and Naija. These past few days have been topsy turvy for me. If  you are a regular here, you’d notice my posts are a tad bit late. Well, I’m trying to get used to a new schedule. I was just reminiscing on the recent events I’ve experienced and I’m wondering, wotswrong with some Nigerians? Y’all know I love this country but sometimes I ask myself, Will it ever get better? Here’s my heartfelt letter of ‘appreciation’ to the people who think they are doing me/us a favor. Msccheeew. Don’t worry. Read on, you’ll understand.


Dear Civil Service Officers,

Thank you ‘Sir M’ and ‘Madam G’ for stopping us at customs for the same screening task. Infact four of you stopped us at different times but the other two weren’t as persistent as you two. Thank you for welcoming us with glee, then wasting our whole time narrating how ‘people like us’ need to always bring something for you. Ah ah, Officer! Am I having a dèja vu or I just spoke to your clone? ‘Cos I swear, this same conversation just took place four footsteps ago. Oh dear, we gave you an ‘Akanchawa‘ tip and you said it was not enough. Okay Sir and Madam, thanks for putting money in our pockets and food on our table. Thanks for being there with me whenever I prayed to God to guide, protect and provide for my family. You all sure contributed to our well-being.


Dear Mr Hotelier,

Thank you for giving us a huge bill and calling your room ‘a state of the art’. Yes for sure, it was a state of the art because the only thing I couldn’t get out of my head was the beautiful wall art in the room but all that money paid didn’t include a good sized bathroom? If you made that cubicle fit for a size zero, then you nailed it. At a point, I wondered what to shower first; My hand, my leg or my….nevermind. Thank you for reminding me I have to go ketogenic and probably anorexic to fit in there. Buzzing my fitness coach asap. I appreciate you and your architect for this motivation.


Dear Service Provider,

It seems the ‘white man’ poops ice cream and farts vanilla essence. Cos’ make me understand why he is your revered customer. You are just smiling sheepishly and calling him “Sir”, four hundred and fifty one times, as if he promised you full scholarship to study abroad. A full grown man like you, humiliating yourself because of white skin. Oya na, Let me see whether the bleaching cream guru, Bobrisky, will come to the rescue. So that I don’t have to wait in line for anything in Naija. I’d just throw in some ”init” here and there and voila… I’m a British white woman.

If you’ve been reading and you didn’t know I’ve been sarcastic all these while, then I admire your child-like mind. Nigeria needs Ducolax to purge herself. All dis yama yama pesin de see, the thunder that will fire you is coming in a two-piece bikini. Very hot and sexy thunder. We talk about change, yet we can’t be our brother’s keeper. God help Nigeria.

What is the most insane experience you’ve had with a service provider in Nigeria? I still love my country but sometimes naija de fall my hand.


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